The Character-Building starts NOW

You guys, I am FUH-REAKING OUT! And the reason for my freak-out is so silly, so comically absurd. What is this reason, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

I'm going to a retreat at a Buddhist abbey on Friday. It seemed like an awesome idea at the time, but now that the time has come to start packing my bags I am having second thoughts. Early mornings, no coffee, no cake, no wine, lots of meditation. I mean, I haven't had coffee in days to try to acclimate, and I am hurting. I almost got into, like, three accidents because my head is stuffed with cotton and hurts, and I can't seem to think straight or get off the couch.

(speaking of cake, get a load of this cake my dad baked for father's day:






That's icing in there! Mmmmmm. But I digress...)

A few days ago I got a document in my email telling us what we should pack. Here's the part that's leading to the meltdown:

"To demonstrate respect for the monastic environment and to subdue our minds please bring clothing that is loose fitting, baggy of solid colors. This means comfortable clothing that is not revealing and is free of designs, patterns and logos."

I haven't worn anything baggy since I was 12 and giant T-shirts were in. Pretty much everything I wear is revealing and patterned. Hell, I'm from New Jersey, people. We don't do sloppy here, we do tight and vivid! Also, I hate neutrals. Bright, vivid colors draw so much more attention, don't they?

I realized that I would have to make a shopping trip (and I use the term loosely) to pick up some solid-colored, baggy clothing. I tried Target, but it was just too cool. I realized I would have to dumb it down.

I went to K-Mart.

I tried, you guys, I really did. But I JUST COULDN'T DO IT. I have spent my entire life working to accent my boobies. It's all I know. I tried the ugly, baggy things on but, I swear, they burned. I took them off faster than you could say "om."

I knew that this was going to be a difficult, character-building kind of vacation. I just didn't realize the pain was going to start NOW, and with T-shirts.

I did manage to pick up a few solid-colored items, but they are fairly well-cut and, well, show off my boobies. A little bit. Just a teensy bit. I'll wear tank tops under them, I swear! Oh, and though there are one or two grays and browns in the bunch, I just couldn't resist picking up some brilliant blues and greens.

Hey, they didn't actually say anything about bright colors...

So now that I'm home, am I drinking a glass of French chardonnay with an ice cube in it? You bet I am. I bolted into that liquor store like my head was on fire. I will spend tonight drinking the bottle whilst floating in the apartment pool and enjoying my last hours of decadence.

Wish me luck, everybody. See you on the other side.

City Girl Goes Country...Temporarily

Who am I kidding, I'm no city girl. I'm stuck somewhere between city girl and country girl, in the netherlands of non-classification (hee hee, netherlands...). But anyway, I went backpacking for the first time this weekend.

When I told people I was going to do this I got raised eyebrows and chuckles. But seeing as my life is wide open, it seems like an ideal time to try anything and everything. And, frankly, I've always been curious, and I like hiking, and I've been camping once, so I said what the hell, let's do this thing! And so, my sister and her husband helped me load up my ridiculously puny pink backpack, donned their own giant, 80-pound hardcore backpacks, grabbed Milo the retarded dog, and we all headed down into Shenandoah national park for three days of pain.

Here's what I learned on my first backpacking trip:

1. Your knitting project is not a necessity and therefore does not get to come.

2. Ticks and zombies are essentially the same thing, but ticks are much much smaller and harder to find. You'll have to check various...crevices and pull them out with your fingernails. To do this, you will have to get multiple, multiple ticks under your fingernails. The first time you will be all "ew ew ew ew ew!", but then you will get used to it, which is disturbing. When you're in your tent ticks will climb the walls trying to get to your delicious blood, and if you listen hard enough you can hear their little teeny voices groaning "braaaiins."

3. Even though Clif bars come in a variety of flavors, such as Carrot Cake, Cherry Almond, and Oatmeal Raisin, they all taste basically the same. And you will eat a lot of them whilst backpacking.

4. Bears are an ever-present danger when you're backpacking. You will live in fear of them for the duration of the hike. Any smell will attract them, including toothpaste, boxed wine, hand sanitizer, and, of course, those delicious Clif bars. When you are sleeping you must put all of these items in a big bag and hang them in a tree far away. Like, really high up. This process involves lots of rope and pulley systems. Also, when you hike, you will constantly be looking for bear poop and making as much noise as possible. In short, bears are terrifying.

5. Brushing your teeth in the wild is a disgusting process, but less disgusting than not brushing your teeth, so it must be done. First you must go far away from your campsite because of the bears. The actual brushing is fine, but the cleaning of the toothbrush involves spitting water onto your toothbrush, and the foam gets all over your hands and you can't wipe them on your pants (again, because of the bears), and it's just bad.

6. Millipedes are in actuality not slimy, but sort of hard and exo-skeleton-y. Please don't ask how I learned this, you don't want to know the answer.

7. Being on the top of a mountain in a thunderstorm is, simply put, THE WORST PLACE YOU COULD POSSIBLY BE IN THE WORLD. Worse than China. Worse than the DMV. Especially when you're holding metal hiking poles. You will think it's no big deal, that the chances of getting hit by lightning are very small, but the experienced hikers will literally run down the mountain and you will have to follow. You will not get to see the views that you hiked uphill for 5 hours to see.

8. There are plants that sting if you touch them. Entire campsites can be surrounded by them.

9. Pooping in the woods is the most disgusting thing that you will ever have to do. Whilst doing so, you will worry incessantly about stinging plants and ticks in crevices and millipedes. Then, to "leave no trace", you'll have to do stuff to it. No more will be said about this process.

10. That first shower, bed with sheets, and hot, non-Clif-bar-based meal is the most glorious thing you will ever experience.

11. After one backpacking trip you will be convinced that you are ready to hike the entire Appalachian Trail and you will start making abstract plans to do so the next summer. You are not. But it's good to have unreachable goals.

So, you may ask after reading these 11 key points about hiking, why do it? You couldn't possibly have had fun, could you? Well, the answer is that I did actually have fun. The hiking itself was fabulous exercise, and I saw lots of beautiful scenery. There's really nothing like walking through a fern field on the top of a mountain, even with a retarded dog strapped to your hip. Even if you don't get to stay on top of the mountain because of a storm.

Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. The satisfaction of feeling your legs carry you through 13 miles of wilderness is worth the various pitfalls. The stunning views of the Shenandoah mountains fading into the distance is worth the sweat and the bear danger. The new and unusual lifestyle that must be adopted stretches your mind and your life experience and gives you a new appreciation for all the conveniences that modern life offers.

Especially if your brother-in-law carries the boxed wine.