I just smashed my French Press and burst into tears. The tears were partly because of my beloved French Press, giver of life in mornings and afternoons, but also partly because I just got back from applying to jobs at Moosewood restaurant and Starbucks, but my hopes are not high. I've been applying to about five jobs a day, with no results. I am fast running out of money, with nothing on the horizon. Ergo, I am freaking out.
I spent the last few weeks relaxing a little bit more because when I didn't, I got panic attacks. It was great. But now I realize that my relaxing has left me shit up a creek without a paddle, as the saying goes (and thankfully did not happen on the night of 6/19. Thanks, Brian!). It's hard to focus on the big picture when you don't know how you're going to pay for food for yourself and your freakishly-metabolic husband. That guy could eat a steak a night if you'd let him. Seriously.
And so far the only gigs I've gotten is singing for retirement homes. For which I have to find an accompanist and pay for. So I'm paying for singing at retirement homes. And where is this money going to come from, as well?
It's enough to sent you straight to the couch with a bottle of wine. The real world looms, and I am not equipped yet to make money as a singer in it, which is the worst position ever to be in. I need to up my game right now if I'm going to make this work, because I'm out of options. I just have to figure out how to do that without money.
Speaking of the real world, we met up with college friends of ours this weekend. They had a baby almost two years ago, and were asking us when we were planning to have one. I realized then with horror that we're actually regressing. Two years ago I had a job with regular hours and could have supported a baby. Now, I prance around singing when I want and taking acting classes, for chrissake, without the pressures of an actual job. It's like that Benjamin Button story. At this point I'll be throwing tantrums and hurling bowls of Cheerios through the air any day now.
Oh wait, I already throw tantrums. Bring on the Cheerios!
But seriously, I could use a little perspecive. It's not my forte.
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That's tough, Em. I can't say that I have any solution to your troubles. But I can say that I think you're doing the right things. You're applying for jobs - eventually one of those will work out. Your working on music and soon you'll be getting gigs again - you will for sure. You did last year, but it's summer now. Everything's off in the summer. And I guess when I'm feeling like this - like nothing is working out and like nothing is certain, sometimes what I make myself keep coming back to, with conscious and continual reminders, is the long list of things I have to be grateful for. You have this too. You have a family that loves you and a husband that loves you. You have a beautiful voice and you're very smart. And you're funny and great with people. And you live in a cute little town. And you have lots of friends that constantly want to be around you. And you're young which means you have time to work things out. And you have a Masters Degree in a field that you love. And you're working on building a career that you love.
ReplyDeleteSo as much as you feel stressed in the moment, all of those things I just said, and probably a whole lot more that I don't know - those are permenant things you have. They won't go away. And because of all of those things, you're going to be okay, even if everything else isn't perfect yet.
And I think that with that in mind, all you can do is proceed with doing the right things, as you are. Be creative in your job search (maybe you should look for more small things for right now?) and enjoy your singing and trust that it will be okay. And if you have to put an extra $1000 on your credit card, that's not great, but you'll still be okay. You still have all those things.
You took a risk by going back to your singing career but it's worth a risk to be doing what you love. Sometimes risks just require a little more patience and willingness to let things be as they are. Things are okay. And right now you are okay. And eventually, you will still be okay. So don't forget that!
I don't know if that helps, but you asked for some perspective and so that's my shot at it.
Love,
Katherine
Dear, dear Katherine, you are absolutely right. Thanks for the graceful perspective. I'm gonna come back to this the next time I feel overwhelmed. Thank you thank you.
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