Friday, December 11, 2009

Just Dance

For this blog post, I thought I was going to catch you all up on what's been happening in the three weeks since I last posted. But that's not what I really want to do. I want to share a note that I wrote to myself this morning (Hey, I've been reading eat, pray, love and SHE does it all the time so shut it). Here's what I wrote:

Dear Me,

I'm sorry I haven't meditated in a long time. I'm sorry I haven't worked you out or stretched you with yoga. I think you'll understand, though. You see, it's my last week with these people. Ever. On Sunday I have to leave, give them up and drive away, and it's going to break my heart.

So anyway, I've been playing, dancing, laughing. It's been wonderful. But it's time to get back to you. Back to reality. Back to life. I'm sad, but I've learned.

And thank goodness Christmas is coming, so I've got something to look forward to!

Love, You

You guys still there? To those of you who haven't clicked off in disgust because ohmygod this chick is actually writing a letter to herself, thanks! And hang in there, cause it's about to get real.

I have learned so much from this experience. I uncovered parts of myself that I haven't enjoyed since high school. I danced day-in and day-out, and it was amazing. I was sexy, and I remembered what a potent drug that is. I threw the parties that I always wanted to throw but forgot about. In these last three months I stopped being the Old Married Woman I've been for so long now, and started being the Young Girl of my memories.

For that, thank you thank you thank you!

My world has broadened and opened. The possibilities for my life are endless. I am beautiful and talented, and I can do anything I want. And what I want is to sing and act. I don't care how and I don't care where, whether it's in a casino or on a stage. When I'm not doing that I want to dance and laugh and play (and meditate and do yoga and knit. I haven't forgotten that part of myself!).

But the heartache of leaving is hard. I think this life is destined to be a series of little heartbreaks. My heart will break every time I have to leave my husband again, like it did back in September. Then my heart will break when I have to leave whatever family I've created for whatever show I'm doing. Over and over and over again.

Last weekend many of the people in the show left in the wee hours of the morning while we were all at Lava. Of course, I cried, not so much for them leaving, but in anticipation of the goodbyes we're all going to have to say on Sunday. I suddenly felt terribly lonely. But I looked up into the lights flashing across this strange dance club and remembered how far I've come. All I can do now is say goodbye and keep what I've learned and hopefully keep in some form the people that I've grown to love.

Then I did the only thing I could do right at that moment, and the only thing I wanted to do.

In the infinite wisdom of Lady Gaga, I Just Danced.

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