Life has been upside-down. White has suddenly become black, black has become white, Flava-Flav has become handsome...you get the idea.
I've been meditating and doing Yoga nonstop. I've also started reading and studying yogic texts, as well as various others from the self-help genre (a genre which I love, and will feel no shame about). I've been researching Ashrams in India.
For the first time in my life I'm really, really, I mean really listening to myself, scary stuff and all. It's terrifying and wonderful. Sometimes my fears and my grief overwhelm me, and that's okay. But also, sometimes I feel a core of genuine strength that I've never felt before inside me. That strength is scary, because it's not compatible with a lot of the way I've been living my life. But the strength takes over, whether I want it to or not. It is sweeping through my life, whether I want it to or not.
I won't go on about this, but I will say that this strength is telling me to start a school. A school for the arts and creativity and soul. Or something like that. I don't know. I'm starting to work on it and collect ideas and people in my mind.
For now I'm going to pursue that stillness and truth, because that's what I want and need right now, more than performance opportunities.
I have a feeling this is going to open up a whole new world for me, one in which I can stop clinging so tightly to my performance dreams and just open up. I can let me be me, and whatever follows will follow. And, frankly, I know that if I stop grasping and gasping after performing and instead follow my truth, the performing will come to me. Because really, all I've ever wanted from performance was to open my inner soul and create a community, however briefly. I've always wanted to find the emotional truth and power in the music and the emotion and the text and let it flow through me.
Maybe now it will actually be able to.
Change, real change, is the most difficult and painful thing in the world. Now I really know that. But, change we must.
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