Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Character-Building starts NOW

You guys, I am FUH-REAKING OUT! And the reason for my freak-out is so silly, so comically absurd. What is this reason, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

I'm going to a retreat at a Buddhist abbey on Friday. It seemed like an awesome idea at the time, but now that the time has come to start packing my bags I am having second thoughts. Early mornings, no coffee, no cake, no wine, lots of meditation. I mean, I haven't had coffee in days to try to acclimate, and I am hurting. I almost got into, like, three accidents because my head is stuffed with cotton and hurts, and I can't seem to think straight or get off the couch.

(speaking of cake, get a load of this cake my dad baked for father's day:

That's icing in there! Mmmmmm. But I digress...)

A few days ago I got a document in my email telling us what we should pack. Here's the part that's leading to the meltdown:

"To demonstrate respect for the monastic environment and to subdue our minds please bring clothing that is loose fitting, baggy of solid colors. This means comfortable clothing that is not revealing and is free of designs, patterns and logos."

I haven't worn anything baggy since I was 12 and giant T-shirts were in. Pretty much everything I wear is revealing and patterned. Hell, I'm from New Jersey, people. We don't do sloppy here, we do tight and vivid! Also, I hate neutrals. Bright, vivid colors draw so much more attention, don't they?

I realized that I would have to make a shopping trip (and I use the term loosely) to pick up some solid-colored, baggy clothing. I tried Target, but it was just too cool. I realized I would have to dumb it down.

I went to K-Mart.

I tried, you guys, I really did. But I JUST COULDN'T DO IT. I have spent my entire life working to accent my boobies. It's all I know. I tried the ugly, baggy things on but, I swear, they burned. I took them off faster than you could say "om."

I knew that this was going to be a difficult, character-building kind of vacation. I just didn't realize the pain was going to start NOW, and with T-shirts.

I did manage to pick up a few solid-colored items, but they are fairly well-cut and, well, show off my boobies. A little bit. Just a teensy bit. I'll wear tank tops under them, I swear! Oh, and though there are one or two grays and browns in the bunch, I just couldn't resist picking up some brilliant blues and greens.

Hey, they didn't actually say anything about bright colors...

So now that I'm home, am I drinking a glass of French chardonnay with an ice cube in it? You bet I am. I bolted into that liquor store like my head was on fire. I will spend tonight drinking the bottle whilst floating in the apartment pool and enjoying my last hours of decadence.

Wish me luck, everybody. See you on the other side.

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