Crisis

Probably not really, but in my little world it sure feels like one.

Here's the story: two weeks ago I auditioned for what I thought was a two-day strolling gondolier gig. It turned out to be some sort of five-day-a-week every week thing, but I never got more details about it because they passed on me.

Then yesterday I came home to a barrage of emails asking if I would be available to start the gig TOMORROW (that's today). I said no. I had a shift at the restaurant and, besides that, woah! Too fast!

But they were pressing me for a commitment, so I said yes. They have an apartment waiting for me up at Turning Stone Casino, and I will be working there five days a week, Tuesday through Sunday, for lotsa cash and meals.

Sounds good, right?

Well, the problem is, it doesn't feel good.

First of all, I don't want to move away from my husband again, plain and simple. I don't want to uproot my life again. It's all so sudden and jarring. I have to stop my beloved acting classes (that I already paid for). I have to pack again. And again. And again. Just like the last two years.

Plus, they want me to start tomorrow. I told them I needed more time (truly, one more day is all that I need to get things in order), and that it wasn't right to just drop my job, but they put the pressure on. I stood firm, but apparently they aren't so happy with me now, even though they still want me. What a load of crap. They wouldn't want me to do that to them, so why do they feel it's okay for me to do that to someone else (I even said that to them)?

It feels sort of slimy. They think I'm not being serious about this job, when I'm just being responsible. That should be a plus for them, but somehow it's not. And I'm not thrilled about working in a Casino. Casinos make me sad. They're horrible places. But the money is good, and I get to sing.

So I'm taking the extra day and putting things in order here in Ithaca before I drive up tomorrow night. But I don't feel great. It doesn't feel right. But maybe I'm just scared or something. I simply don't trust my feelings yet, even though everything inside me seems to be screaming. But is it screaming for the right reasons? Or is it just screaming because I'm afraid or something?

And frankly, if I don't like this job after a couple of weeks, I'll just treat them the way they expect me to treat others. I'll give them two days notice.

Probably not, cause I'm better than that.